“We Love Each Other… But We Can’t Stop Fighting.” A Therapist’s Note on Why Relationships Need Maintenance Too

By Samantha DuBose, MS, LMFT

Most couples I work with come to therapy saying something like: “We’re not trying to break up — but we can’t keep going like this.” They still love each other but feel stuck in painful patterns: the same arguments on repeat, emotional distance, defensiveness, or one partner shutting down completely. It’s not a sign of failure. It’s a sign the relationship is asking for attention — and healing.

Why Relationships Break Down (Even When There’s Love)

Relationships don’t crumble overnight. Disconnection often arises from small moments:

• A partner feeling unheard for the fifth time during a conversation.

• An apology without accountability that leaves lingering hurt.

• A request for closeness being mistaken for a demand — seen as "too much."

• Choosing silence instead of expressing feelings again.

  
  

Over time, feelings of resentment, loneliness, or criticism can replace emotional safety.

These patterns don’t mean you’re broken; they reveal that changes are needed in how you relate to one another.

What Couples Therapy Really Is

Couples therapy isn’t about proving who’s right. It’s about learning how to:

• Communicate without attacking or avoiding.

• Name your needs without assigning blame.

• Repair trust when it’s been broken.

• Feel emotionally safe in the relationship again.

  
  

Even how to engage in conflict constructively (because conflict is inevitable, but disconnection is not).

Reflective Questions for Couples

Here are some thoughtful questions couples might find useful:

• When do we feel most like a team?

• What do we do when we feel misunderstood or hurt?

• Are we engaging in problem-solving or power struggles?

• What kind of relationship do we want to build, not just survive?

  
  

If answering these questions feels challenging, that’s perfectly normal. Therapy provides a supportive space to navigate these difficulties together.

It’s Not Too Late — Don’t Wait for a Crisis

Therapy doesn’t require your relationship to be on the brink. In fact, the couples who benefit the most are often the ones who say: “We want to be better for each other. We just don’t know how.” That’s what therapy is for. To slow down the cycle. To help you hear each other again. To build a relationship that feels safe, intentional, and honest.

Final Thought

All relationships need maintenance. The strongest ones are not conflict-free — they are built by two people willing to grow. If your relationship is hurting — or just surviving — it deserves care.

Curious about couples therapy or not sure where to start? Feel free to reach out for a consultation or follow me on Instagram samdubose_lmft for more relationship insights.